My Errant Mind

OK, for some reason I keep coming across a lot of websites that mention going commando these days. Everyone knows the basic meaning of it, but not much more.

Even Wikipedia does little more than equate it with freeballing of military origins. Since a recent post had me thinking about topics related to warriors and warfare, I might as well jump in on this one.

You’re about to learn what all your friends only wish they knew. The real, true-to-life meaning and history behind the phrase.

Warning. This is not for the squeamish.

Now listen up numb-nuts, we’re about to go commando…

What Does It Mean To Go Commando?

First of all, soldiers aren’t ever going commando. They go commando. Wannabe’s and wiki editors might at some point try going commando, but the best they will achieve is freeballing.

If you go commando, it means you don’t wear underwear, briefs, drawers, boxers, whatever you prefer to describe your undergarments as. It means your balls are swinging in the breeze when you “drop trou” to relieve yourself.

There’s been a lot of this going commando crap in the media, especially where it concerns a couple of hollywood ho’s. Women don’t go commando. They just don’t wear panties.

Why is that? Well, that brings us to what it means to go commando.

To Go Commando Is Not A Fad, Freeballing Is

First of all, if you ever asked GQ magazine if it is a proper thing to do, you’re probably a wussbag—so, it’s highly unlikely you would ever be remotely mistaken for a commando of any kind. No need to suit up like one. If you’re reading GQ, you’re probably gay, too.

If you just want to let your ‘nads swing free while you skip around town in your sandals and hemp jeans, tell your twig-boy friends you’re freeballing. We warriors don’t want you even remotely associating with our traditions.

The people whose profession requires them to go commando don’t mention that they are, first of all. If they do, they’re usually busting someones chops, not talking fashion.

Are you entitled to go commando? If you haven’t done at least some of the following…

• blown sh*t up
• fast-roped
• slack-roped
• Aussied
• jumped out of a plane
• rock ‘n rolled on full-auto
• humped a ruck
• lain in ambush
• cammied up
• popped smoke
• seized an objective
• emptied a bar
• lived in a hooch
• walked on point
• called for extraction
• survived the “yongle”
• infiltrated
• called in CAS
• dog-legged into a patrol base
• operated FLOT
• used a di-pole antenna for comms
• been on an R&S team
• had “eyes on the objective”
• killed your own food

…and you’re asking someone whether or not their balls are bouncing around free in their pants or shorts, you’re probably just not sure about your sexuality. You better stick with freeballing, homey.

There are legitimate reasons to go commando. They’re practical, and have a unique place in military history and lore.

If you are in fact a wussbag, stop reading now. From here on in, we’re locked and loaded…

The Dirty Secret

Why would anyone go commando, even soldiers? Good question. There are two main reasons.

1. To prevent chaffing on long movements
2. Convenience

Preventing Chaffing

Preventing chaffing is important to combat arms soldiers that move long distance on foot. When you have many klicks (that’s short for kilometers) of movement to do and a heavy ruck to hump (that’s grunt-speak for beating feet, hike, march, carry etc.), the last thing you want is to get chaffed and rubbed raw. Standard issue military drawers made of cotton soak up sweat and hold onto it like a sponge dying of thirst.

After a few klicks of walking with salt-laden sweat soaking them, your drawers begin to rub you raw. If you go commando, you eliminate this.

Lycra has helped a lot with this issue, at least in training. However, many anal retentive commanders don’t want soldiers to wear or carry things not on the unit packing list when heading out on ops, so if you can’t wear lycra, you go commando.

Now, for the bad mo-fo reasons.

The Piss-in-place Manuever

When on missions, foot soldiers are on the go. Constantly. You have to worry about things such as getting shot and blown up. And you’re usually on a tight schedule.

The last thing you need is to stress over whether or not you’re going to piss or sh*t yourself. So you go commando.

That way, when you’re laying down in a security perimeter on patrol, you can roll slightly onto one side, reach down with one hand, whip out your personal weapon and do your thing—all while lying down.

Moving around unnecessarily in a combat zone makes you a target and can compromise your position.

There’s another convenience reason. It arises mainly during jungle operations. When you have the sh*ts.

Bowel Movements On The Move

Soldiers cut a large hole in the crotch of their BDU’s if they have diarhea, which isn’t uncommon during jungle ops.

It’s a dangerous thing to do, because everything in the yongle wants to kill your ass. The animals, the insects, even the plants.

I have permanent scars on my hands and wrists where certain plants broke and their sap touched my skin, causing second degree burns. Fourteen years later, I still have a sliver of black palm needle stuck in my hand.

As one jungle warfare instructor put it to us:

“The yongle ees like fire. It can kill jou, or it can be jou friend. Respect the yongle.”

Now, the hole in the crotch isn’t just to keep cheese from forming under one’s nutsack in the damp environs of the yongle. If you’re on a misson, on the move, and you have the urge to suddenly take a crap, is the unit going to have time to stop while you go dig a hole and wipe?

When the mission is probably time critical?

Not likely.

You’re going to take it on the move if you happen to be wading through waist deep swamp, river, stream or whatever. It’s diarhea in most cases and not difficult to do. If you’re not in water, you might convince the patrol leader to briefly halt the patrol.

Then, you can just step off the trail (don’t forget to do that), squat, sh*t, stand back up and be ready to roll in mere seconds. Again, diarhea makes this easy. You don’t even need to wipe, as you’ll probably be doing it again shortly, or on the move.

It’s a time saver, and has the added benefit of you not smelling as strongly like a latrine. This means the enemy is less likely to catch a whiff of your sorry butt and shoot it off for you.

And let’s not forget the lifesaving benefit. You’ll never get caught with your pants down.

You can make contact at any moment when you’re operating in enemy territory. The last thing you want to do if surprised is trip because your cammies were down around your ankles, then have your hated enemy shoot you in the ass with an AK-47.

A Long History

Militaries have had to deal with diarhea for a long time. Irregular forces have always operated with the goal of staying out of site as much as possible. Remaining undetected is important, as it often means the difference between life and death to small units.

This includes commando units.

Commandos operating in the Pacific Theatre during WWII probably began the practice, at least in modern times. Most likely, it started with the CHINDIT forces—a multinational commando force operating behind Japanese lines in Burma.

Various special operations and infantry units, however, have adapted the practice—which is especially well-suited to jungle warfare operations the world over.

So there you have it. The real, dirty, and even real dirty secret behind what it means to go commando.

And so you don’t have to take just my word for it, my man “J” (will keep his real name anonymous to protect his identity) says:

“To my knowledge, it was the guys operating in Burma, the commandos back in WWII.”

I served with “J” in Iraq, and have known him for 16 years. He’s Air Assault, Airborne, Ranger, served as a LRSD trooper (Long Range Surveillance Detatchment), and in Special Forces (Green Berets). He’s got his CIB, EIB and a chest full of stuff that signifies “BadAss MoFo”. He concurs, so if you have a dissenting opinion, it doesn’t mean jack unless you’re up there on his level.

Pantiless Ladies Revisited

Now, having reached the end of this post, one thought does come to mind.

While I haven’t yet met any, if there are women out there who have the guts to leave their panties behind in the yongle, I’ll be the first to champion their right to use the phrase going commando.

Matter of fact, I personally volunteer to go commando right alongside you. Hey, everyone needs a battle buddy to watch their backside. I promise—I’d be watching yours.

Just email me and let me know when we’re headed to the yongle.